Soul Searching

After you have been a stay-at-home mom for a couple years, even a couple weeks, you begin to wonder if you should continue your professional career.  In my case, I feel guilt about not financially contributing to the family.  I have been waiting for a job opportunity to fall into my lap and well, one fell and I began pursuing what I thought was a "meant to be job."

I was given the amazing opportunity to interview for any one of 3 elementary positions in the district where we reside.  REGULAR EDUCATION!!  Was this my "out" of special ed?    I took the timing and potential positions as a sign.  This was my break.  A way to begin contributing to the family funds again.  A way to get my foot into the regular, elementary setting.  I landed an informal interview, which ended up going well because they invited me back for a second interview.   I welcomed the second interview, knowing I would have to prepare and teach a 3rd grade language arts lesson to several administrators.

I wasted no time as I began to brainstorm the perfect lesson to teach.  I spent Brady's entire nap-time gathering ideas and creating worksheets to use.  I continued working feverishly that evening to complete the lesson plan and all the components I would need to teach a successful lesson.  As I was preparing, I couldn't help but think whether this was really the right move.  After all, I just started doing some tutoring and independent consulting for a company.   Thoughts began to pour into my already overwhelmed head:
1. School starts next week!!??
2. What will I do with Brady?
3. I am already making some money.
4. What about that beach vacation we were planning next week?
5. What if I get the job and I just can't juggle everything else?
6. I know what a nightmare I can be when I am stressed!  Look Out!!
7. Could I continue to be a good wife and mom AND hold a full-time job?

There were SO many unknowns.  I woke up this morning with my stomach in knots over the lesson and potentially accepting a teaching position.   Is being a teacher really worth it at this point in my life? NO.  So there you have it!  By 8 AM this morning, I was on the phone pulling out of the running.  When I hung up, I felt a sense of relief.   At this time in my life, it just wasn't "meant to be."

Instead, I will continue being a much appreciated stay-at-home mom!  Just check out all the fun things we do together!  I really don't want to miss one second of it!  Life is TOO short!

 He keeps me busier than a classroom full of elementary kids!

 What a good BIG brother he would have been!! Someday!

Giving Big Bird a BIG hug!

Brady's Safari

As an infant, we never decorated a nursery for Brady.  I always wanted to do something cute, but just never got around to it.  Moving to a house with a blank canvas motivated me to do something amazing. I contacted a woman who does wall murals that I had known since high school.  She came in prior to us moving and painted  Brady's room in two days!

 Brady just loves his new room!  He enjoys naming all of the animals and saying goodnight to them at bedtime.

As always, Jordan is on the fore front of our minds.  Cathy painted these two canvas paintings of the constellation that helps us find Jordan's star from the International Star Registry.   They were placed above Brady's closet doors.  I liked the fact that they can be moved, when the safari themed room get to be "too childish" in the very FAR future :)

If you live in the Berks County area, I would totally recommend Cathy Chervanick. You can visit her website at:  http://www.cathychervanick.com/

Remember My Friend Toni?

Well, she and her two precious kids came to visit us last weekend!  It has been about 7 weeks since we moved from Cranberry and have seen them.  Brady and his buddy D picked up where they left off.  It was as if they were never apart.  Toni's daughter, A, is 7 years old and played with the boys really well.    Their stay was short, but very fun!

We are blessed with their friendship and can't wait to plan our next get together!

Pintrest inspired party!

For Brady's 2nd birthday, we had a Cat in the Hat themed party.  I got all my ideas off of Pintrest! I just LOVE that site!  It may be my new addiction :)

First is my candy jars. Layered with red and white candy.  I used Swedish Fish, mini marshmallows, Twizzler nibs, Hershey's cookies and cream bites, and Hershey's kisses.

Hat cookies: I used half of an Oreo cookie as the base.  I then layered Lifesavers Gummies using only the red and white ones.  I used icing to keep them together.

Instead of a sheet cake, I did Red velvet cake cups. I layered cake and cream cheese icing and stuck Cat in the Hat characters on popsicle sticks.

The "interesting" Twos

Before Brady even turned 2, I thought I was in for it.  NO was his favorite word for several weeks, using it to answer every question!  Taking him shopping has opened the door for a new challenge as well.  Putting him in a shopping cart is no longer acceptable to a 2 year old so now he either walks or if we are lucky there is a cart with an attached car available.  Kudos to whoever invented those!

Walking through a store starts out good, but quickly turns into Brady pushing the limits, taking items off the shelves or refusing to follow me.   I am lucky if we get out of the store without something we don't need or a smile on my face.

Brady has only been 2 for two weeks and since the actual turning of 2, he has been a real sweetheart.   Two has been fun so far, but I'm sure it will also come with its own challenges.   I am excited to watch him grow and learn at this very interesting stage!

Now that we have moved closer to family and old friends, Brady has had the chance to spend a lot of time with his cousin Kamryn, Aunt Kate (my sister), and Uncle Jer.  Brady and Kamryn get along well and enjoy playing together.

Relief after 8 LONG months

So 7/16/12 marks the 8 month mark of what should have been a growing, thriving baby boy.  It has been a long road of grief, a struggle I never thought possible.  To loose a child is unimaginable and I still can't believe it even happened.

The loss of a grandparent is hard, but they leave the world having lived a long life.  The loss of a baby is unexplainable.  Just when you think a new life will be starting, it ends without warning.  The aches of longing for him and wondering what life should have been like with him will forever haunt me.

Having said that, I have begun to move on.  I am starting to think of our future and stop lingering in the past.   If I Could Turn Back Time, knowing what I know now, I WOULD.  In a heart beat!!  But I can't, so all I CAN do is move on.   So instead of repeating myself in my blog entries month after month while sobbing, I have decided to continue my blog with Jordan in mind.  Instead of this being a blog just about my grief process, I will now incorporate the rest of my beautiful family and all the FUN we are having in the midst of our grief.

Hopefully this new venture will make me smile, remind me of how lucky I am, and help me to continue traveling down a long grief stricken road (I think I can see the light).

On a happy note, Brady just celebrated his 2nd birthday!  He has been impressing us left and right with all the new things he is learning each day.  He started off slow with talking, but now he has the hang of it, repeating most of what comes out of our mouths.  

I love our boys like only a Mommy could!

Facebook + Grief = Bad News

I am a facebook junkie.  I don't know why.  It is super addicting.  I will check my news feed several times per day.  I enjoy knowing what people are up to.  Facebook, however, it a place I feel that people like to post only their most happy events. (e.g., weddings, babies, engagements, new homes, birthdays, vacations, etc...)  People usually will not post negative, real life information. Therefore, facebook makes people's lives seem perfect and happy.

Since the loss of Jordan, I cannot help but compare myself to all those ladies having babies.  Having their first, second, or third child.  I often wonder why they get to be so lucky.  Why was I the one who didn't get to meet her baby?  A few ladies had babies around the same time I had Jordan.  It is hard seeing pictures of these babies, wondering what Jordan would look like and be doing at this stage in his life. I want to be happy for the people having babies and I do congratulate them, but secretly my heart is breaking because of what I am missing.  Lately, I suffer from self-pity.  Poor me!  My family should have been complete.  Two kids and done.  November 16th sure put a different perspective on what our family will look like.   I will forever want Jordan to be our missing link.  I still feel so incomplete without him and hope that our family will grow by at least one more at some point.

People that I have met after the loss of Jordan, will ask how many children I have.  I want to say 2 because that is the truth, but I don't want to have to explain myself OR make them feel uncomfortable.  I really wanted my kids to be close in age.  Brady and Jordan would have been 16 months apart... best buddies!  I had it all figured out prior to 11/16/11.  Now what?  I don't know if my body can physically handle another pregnancy.  Mentally and emotionally, I would be a mess.  It would be 9 months of hell, hoping and praying for a good/ healthy outcome.  Life is a gamble and until something this traumatic happens to you, you just wont understand all the emotions that go along with it.

Facebook is not healthy for me.  I have thought about deleting my account, but just can't seem to do it.  I started a page for Jordan that I want to keep going.  I want to know what people are doing and I want to use it to keep in touch.  Maybe I will just limit my time....checking it only a few times per week.   Facebook just seems to be a constant reminder of what I don't have and it makes me envious of what other people are so blessed with.

For now, I will keep my account open and hope that I can regulate my addiction.  Besides these thoughts, I really have been doing well.  We are staring to discuss options for our family and how we might go about having more children.  Please pray for us, that we will be able to complete our family in some way.