Recalling THAT day

On what would have been Jordan's 7 month birthday, I called to mind the events and emotions that took place the day he was born and the day he left me behind.  Why? Because a family we know is now going through a similar situation.  I know what they are going through, what they are thinking, and how they are feeling. Here are some thoughts about those two days that I have not shared before:

1. The agony of waking up from an emergency c-section, knowing your newborn is in bad shape.
2.  The loneliness I felt when I held Jordan's body in my arms.
3. Wishing the world would just stop b/c of my own tragedy.
4.  How could I possibly go on living w/o the son that was supposed to join our family?
5.  1% chance?? Why me?
6.  I found out on April 1st that I was expecting Jordan...April fools day.  What a sick joke!
7.  Jordan was supposed to complete our family, instead he left us feeling so broken.


Looking back at those days in November, I can remember the RAW emotions that I felt.  Seven months later, my emotions have definitely subsided.  I have stopped questioning what happened b/c there is nothing I can do to change it.  I no longer think of his death, instead I tend to think about the future and how I plan to continue to honor and remember Jordan through my family.


As I have written before, the butterfly has a great significance to me since the death of Jordan.   Butterflies are symmetrical and many things about Jordan are too:

1.  He was born on a Wednesday, the MIDDLE of the week. A day with equal days before it and after it.
2.  He was born on the 16th of November.  The exact MIDDLE of the month, having the same number of days before it and after it.
3. One of the first people to each out to me about her own story of child loss was Hannah, a name that is symmetrical.  Spelled the same way forwards and backwards.

As always, wishing Jordan a happy 7 month birthday!

6 Months Ago

I really cannot believe my sweet angel would have been 6 months already!   I seem to feel his presence everywhere and continually see things that remind me of him.  Just the other day a beautiful yellow and black butterfly crossed my path.  Butterflies seem to be EVERYWHERE!   They are a huge Spring/Summer symbol that are constantly arising.   Then there was this one below that seemed to meet me at the door on my way down the stairs one morning.  It lingered around the door frame for a long time. Long enough for me to take several pictures from both inside and outside of the house. 

In just a few days, our family is relocating back to the area we are originally from.  We will be MUCH closer to family and long-time friends.  The whole move is bittersweet.  We will be leaving behind great friends, but moving back to where we call "home."   

We are taking the dogwood tree that was bought for us by our neighbors, in memory of Jordan.   I thank GOD that we decided to have Jordan cremated.  I could not imagine having to "leave" him again.  I feel as though I am writing a bunch of thoughts that don't flow very well, it is probably the stress of the move.  

So I will leave this post by saying: Happy 6 months Jordan!  I still think about you constantly and wonder how my life would be going if you were here with me in body instead of spirit.  I miss you each day and still do not understand why this had to happen.  

“As you do not know the path of the wind, or how the body is formed in a mother’s womb, so you cannot understand the work of God, the Maker of all things.” 

-Ecclesiastes 11:5

My "girlfriends" in this journey

A BIG thank you to my "girlfriends" for helping me through this very difficult time!    

I make quotes around girlfriends b/c our wonderful facilitator refers to all the women out there suffering from the loss of a child, girlfriends.  We are NOT alone is this journey even when we feel like we are.  Thank you for touching my life and supporting me through my grief!  

Running for Jordan

Six weeks after Jordan had passed away, I made my way back to the gym to begin working out again.  I was approached by one of the fitness instructors to consider running the relay in the Pittsburgh Marathon. It wasn't long before I committed and gathered a team of 5 women.   Two of the women were my neighbors, Toni and Brooke. Another was a woman I met doing stroller strength, Annie.  The last team member was Pam, a random woman who got stuck with us.  I stepped up to be team captain and we were registered just after the new year.

I was never much of a runner.  I always got shin splints when I would run.  The last time I ran a significant distance was in High school, during field hockey season.  I was nervous to begin the training.  I established a running schedule and really stuck to it, increasing my distance each week.   I ended up running the longest leg of the relay, with the most hills.  I had been training at a 10 min mile without inclines.

In the midst of training, I decided to buy a custom t-shirt to wear on race day.  The shirt was made to honor Jordan.  I was excited to get it in the mail and immediately showed it to Toni, one of my teammates.  She was offended I didn't ask her if she wanted one, SO of course I ordered one for her and asked the other team members if they also would want one.  I was excited that the other members also wanted to wear the t-shirt.   What a great way to honor my sweet angel!

Race day came on May 6, 2012.  With t-shirts on, we assembled ourselves at our exchange locations.  I was excited and nervous to run my leg.   My exchange came as Annie exchanged with me, about one hour and 30 minutes into the race.  I began my leg, which started at mile 9.  I began strong with fresh legs, passing many others right out of the gate.  I knew my 2 mile incline was approaching and wanted to save my energy.  I tried to get a consistent stride, but felt the need for speed.  Ahead, I saw the hill.  Half way up the hill, when I felt like walking, a few remarkable things happened.

1. A Christian song began playing on my ipod.  The only word I heard loud and clear in the song was angel.  The song made me push harder, knowing that I was running this race for my very own angel.


2.  Running up the hill, I dropped my head to watch the ground under my feet.  As I did, I saw a penny- heads up.  Why is this significant?  Just one week earlier, Toni told me that pennies are things angels throw down from heaven.
I found a penny today
Just laying on the ground.
But it's not just a penny
This little coin I've found.

Found pennies come from heaven
that's what my Friend told me.
He said Angels tossed them down
Oh, how I loved that story!

He said when an Angel misses you
They toss a penny down,
sometimes just to cheer you up
To make a smile out of your frown.

So don't pass by that penny
When you're feeling blue.
It may be a penny from heavenThat an Angel's tossed to you.

3.  As I saw the penny, I looked up to the sky as if to say "thank you" for showing me that you are with me.  Looking ahead again, my eyes immediately found a sign that said adoption on it. I laughed to myself and thought how ironic it was for all three of these things to happen to me within a 30 second time frame as I was climbing the hill.

As I laughed to myself, I also choked back tears. Literally choked!  Running and crying are not a good mix.  I composed myself to get through my leg.  As I continued running the remainder of my leg, several young children lined the streets, hands out to slap the runner's hands.  I took the opportunity to slap each hand that was outreached.   I will never get to slap Jordan's hand in a high-five, so I felt the need to do it to those who were there routing me on.  And although I know Jordan was right beside me,  helping to pull me through to the next exchange,  I will never have the opportunity to touch him again.  (Ouch! Writing that hurt! )

I must have had a pair of my own wings that day...I completed my 6.4 mile leg in 53 minutes.   That is a lot faster than the 10 min mile I have been training for. AND I had a 2 mile incline.  (Toot, toot) It is not often I toot my own horn.  I was proud of myself for sticking to my goal and accomplishing something I never thought I would do.

I did this for Jordan, but I also did it for myself and in the process lost all that baby weight- another accomplishment!

The shirts say: I have an angel

The affirmation of Jordan

So 5 months ago today, Jordan Reed was born.  Not a day goes by that I don't think of him.  Five months ago, I wasn't sure how I was possibly going to make it through such a horrible event.  The days seemed endless with constant thoughts about Jordan.  The "what ifs" and the "If onlys" were a consistent thought.  With any wound, no matter how deep, time does help.  It will never heal, but the pain has defiantly subsided.   (for now)

Today I decided to take Brady to the park.  Before playing, my plan was to run 3 miles with the jogging stroller.  I was being quite ambitious as I haven't even ran this particular trail without the stroller.  Well, needless to say we only made it one mile with several ups and downs in the terrain.  Pushing a stroller with an extra 30lbs is no easy task.   Phew! After one lap/mile, I noticed a butterfly at the place we started.  I stopped, got a drink and pushed myself to do one more mile/lap at a slower pace.   At the conclusion of the second lap, the butterfly was still in the same place.  I stopped again and watched it fly around, struggling to keep flight in the wind.  Soon it flew away, never to be seen by me again.  It was as if it was cheering me on and waiting for us as we came back to our finish line.

Now it was Brady's turn to play at the playground.  We were there about 30 minutes when a little girl and her grandma came and played at the same section as us.  The little girl kept following Brady around the playground.  It wasn't long before the grandmother began to coach the little girl my name as she climbed up and down the equipment.   Her name: Jordan.  I couldn't help but watch her and wish it was me calling my child by the same name!

These are just two small ways that Jordan is affirming his presence in my life and it is things that this that keep me going-  signs that he is near!

A Poem for Jordan at 5 months

No words I write could ever say
How sad and empty I feel today.

Jordan you were taken from us way too early
Gods plan for you I will never understand.
Everyday I think to myself how unfair it is
You weren't given the chance to become our little man.

Jordan to everyone here you will always be a son, brother, grandson and nephew
I'll cherish the memories I had with you
Even though they were way too few.

I've come to realize nothing will ever bring you back
I know because I've tried
I know because I've asked God why he took you instead of me
And I know because so many times I've just sat and cried.

Never did I think you would come into my life leave so quick and take a piece of my heart
No one can ever take away the memory I have of holding you in my arms as you decided to leave this life and part.

If there's one thing I can take comfort in...
It's that Kohl is with you so your time in heaven without us isn't so rough
I hope you guys will always look down on us
Our time to meet again will come soon enough

So go now and rest in peace Jordan
my son you will always be
The memories of your short time here will always stay close to me.

Jordan we love you more than you will ever know and you will never be forgotten.




Written By: Jordan's Dad

The Memorial

On Apri 7, 2012 we held a memorial service for Jordan and Kohl.   The planning began months ago with the preparation of a date and time.  My sister and I spoke regularly about the memorial and several emails were sent back and forth containing ideas.  

We agreed that the Easter holiday would be a great time to remember our little men.  After all, it is the celebration of the resurrected Lord.  The holiday was all together symbolic for our memorial service.  We decided to include a butterfly release at the conclusion of the service.  The butterfly means: entering of a greater life; just as our Lord and children entered their "greater life."  

At the beginning of March, I ordered a demo kit of Painted Lady butterflies.  It was my job to raise the butterflies and bring them on April 7th.  They came in two separate cups as larvae.  About 12 days after they arrived, they formed into pupae and hung to the top of the cup.  I then transferred them to the sanctuary and waited for them to emerge.  It was approximately one week later that they emerged into beautiful butterflies.  I cared for them by feeding them sugar water and orange slices and misting the sanctuary with water.

The life cycle of a painted lady butterfly is only about 2 weeks.  The butterflies, all nine, emerged 16 days prior to the memorial.  It was nerve wracking to think that they could die any time before the memorial even happened.  Luckily, with fingers crossed, all nine survived the 16 days and 4 hour car ride back to our "home" church in Fleetwood, PA.

My sister's job was to create the programs.  She did a beautiful job.  She designed a 3-fold program containing the order of events, a picture of each of the boys, and several poems and quotes throughout. It is something I will cherish forever.  In addition, she also made colorful butterfly sun-catchers for each family that attended.   They included Jordan and Kohl's name with letter beads and purple and topaz beans to represent their birthstones.  It was super creative and took many hours to make.

The service was really nice.  We invited only our closest family members for a very intimate memorial. We began the service with a prayer, followed by the lighting of two candles while "Held" by Natalie Grant played in the background.   My sister, Chad, and I all spoke.  My sister and I read quotes and passages we have come across during our grief process that struck a chord with us.  Chad read a poem he wrote himself.  Our pastor presented a sermon and then we all went outside to release the butterflies.

I felt a sense of relief after the service.   I was happy that we had planned it and were able to do it in honor of our boys.  I was able to rest a little easier that night knowing it was over.   I felt nervous and nauseous during the days and hours leading up to the service.   I wanted to make sure that we gave the boys the tribute they both deserved.  I wanted everything to be perfect without any regrets- and it was!  No regrets!