Chilly weather, warm hearts

Merry Christmas!!

Christmas is my favorite time of year.   I love the Christmas lights, music, trees, and the warmth I feel during the holiday season.   Last year my holiday spirit was lacking, but this year spirits are bright.    Brady is at a perfect age to begin understanding the magic of Christmas! Not a weekend goes by that we aren't out doing something  fun and taking in the warmth of the holiday.  

I want to wish you and your family a Happy Holiday! Don't forget the true meaning of Christmas!  Many blessings!

 Brady helped decorate the Christmas tree this year.  He was very proud for his work.

 A visit with Santa at Macy's in NYC!

 A Central Park carriage ride with me, my parents and Brady.

The bus ride home from NYC!  I think he had fun :)

Our Next Steps

Over the past several months, we have talked and prayed about the direction of our family.  What does God want us to do?  He obviously did not want us to have Jordan, for whatever reason.  Would He want us to have another birth child? In the beginning, I thought the answer was to adopt our next child.  I was given a strong sign that adoption should be considered if not chosen.  Over the summer, we began to peruse adoption and all that comes with it.  After attending some informational meetings through 2 different agencies, we started to question if this was truly the right path for US.  We knew that we wanted to do newborn, domestic adoption, but with that comes open adoption meaning that we would have to keep contacts with the birthparents.  We felt uneasy with open adoption and what that could entail.   That being said, we put our decision to proceed on the back burner.

In the meantime, my Thirty-One consulting was lifting off and I was picking up tutoring clients as the school year began.  My evenings were consumed with my fun, little jobs.  We have not discussed adoption since early August mainly because we have been busy being happy just the way things were.

Sometimes when you are busy being happy, things just happen....for a reason.   After my Soul Searching, literally the day after, we found out we were expecting.   With emotions of excitement, shock, and nervousness we now begin another lengthy nine months of pregnancy.  Being pregnant has made me happy.  I have not had any feeling of doubt, but instead hope and faith that this pregnancy WILL end happily.   I am extremely hopeful and confident in my doctors and my prenatal care/plan.  I am already in the 2nd trimester and have already had 3 ultrasounds.  Things are looking good!

Please keep my family and I in your prayers as we continue our journey to obtain our rainbow baby in April. (A baby born after a previous baby death).

What I want this time:
1. Cards congratulating me on the birth of my new child.
2. Smiling, happy visitors at the hospital.
3. A planned c-section.
4. To hear my baby cry when he/she is born.
5. A HEALTHY, LIVING baby.
6. PRAYERS

What I DON'T want:
1. Sympathy Cards.
2. To leave the hospital empty handed.
3. Have to make funeral arrangements.
4. Say goodbye before I say hello.
5. My prayers to go unheard.
6. To grieve the loss of another child.

18 weeks.

Anniversaries

When you hear the word "anniversary" you think of something happy.  Normally the celebration of another year of marriage, but what happens when you have to "celebrate" the anniversary of ones death?  How do you celebrate death?

I have been kicking around ideas of ways to honor and remember Jordan on his first birthday, 11/16/12.  1. Do you bake a cake and sing "Happy Birthday" to someone who isn't living?
2. Do you mope around all day waiting for the day to pass?
3. Do you go through the box of memories you have created since the death?
4. Do you donate money to an organization in his honor?

There is no easy answer to this question and there is no right or wrong way of celebrating/remembering someone who has passed.  There is what I came up with this year.

1. I baked cupcakes and decorated them with butterflies.  I shared them with my friday morning prayer group.
2. I asked people to color butterflies in Jordan's honor.  What and awesome response we received!
3. Chad and I went out on a date!  We went to a matinée movie and to dinner while my parents watched Brady.
4.  We donated money to the Children's Hospital of Pittsburgh in Jordan's name.
5. We release three helium filled balloons to heaven.
6. And yes, we did some moping around too. After all, this is not a happy day for us, but we are making the best of it together.

Thank you for all the prayers, cards, and support you have provided to my family and I over this difficult time.  We are blessed to be surrounded by people who care.  

Happy 1st Birthday to our sweet angel, Jordan!  We love you!

A New Hope

A Picture is Worth a Thousand Words

Our Announcement photo. 

Our first ultrasound at 7 weeks

14 weeks!

My Insecurities

Don't we ALL have insecurities?  I never really recognized I had insecurities until I began reading, "So Long Insecurity, You've Been a Bad Friend" By Beth Moore.   Some people are more aware of their insecurities, mine just never surfaced until reading this book and learning all the different types.

Well, one major insecurity I deal with is fear.  Fear of another loss, fear of failing, fear of something terrible happening to my family.  I have begun being fearful since the loss of Jordan.  There was NO good reason for his death.  He was an innocent baby taken way TOO soon!  Why?  Because of it, I fear for my family's safety at all times.  Life is fragile and precious!

I do realize that I cannot live my life in fear.  That God has the ultimate say as to what is going to happen.  My prayers have gone unheard before when I asked God for a healthy, living baby BUT I continue to pray because I know HE is listening.  He may not always give me what I want, but He hears my cries.   He knows I am still in pain and I know HE wants me to be happy.

Another insecurity I have is wondering what people think of me.  Since I have starting having children and writing on this blog, my life has NOT been perfect by any stretch of the imagination.  I am pretty blunt honest on my blog and I hope people appreciate it and don't judge me for my feelings.  After all,  you have never walked a mile in my moccasins.  (Some of you are probably breathing a sigh of relief) Loss is NOT fun.  Especially when its a child.

I have worried about people judging me for my ability to bring life into the world.  My first was born with hemifacial microsomnia.  Meaning that one side of his precious face is visibly smaller in size than the other. This birth defect is nothing more than a lighting strike!  It is not genetic, we just happened to be a statistic.  Brady is an amazing little boy.  At this age, he is not aware that he is different in any way.  Developmentally, he is on point.   Each day he wakes up and gives me a huge smile and a bear hug! He is such a lover and a gift!  I like to say that being normal is BORING!   My second effort to bring life into the world failed miserably and I was left with a gaping hole in my heart.  This was yet another example of a lighting strike...fetal hemorrhage only happens to one in one million people.

Well people, I have news for you!  I don't like to take NO for an answer, especially when it comes to my family.  I can tell you, we are not done here.  Call me crazy, but we WILL have another child at some point during this crazy road of life.  Wish me luck and better statistics!

We all have insecurities even if you are the type that hides them well.   This book I am reading in a book/prayer group has been instrumental, being around and talking to other women who are experiencing all different situations in life.  One can really learn from the journeys others have taken.

I hope I didn't ramble too much!  My emotions are on high with the one year anniversary for Jordan's birth looming.

A Few Chapters!

I feel like it has been a little while since I updated the blog, so I will do this post in a few short chapters!  

Chapter 1: My Sister

Several weeks ago, my niece celebrated her 3rd Birthday!  It seems like just yesterday I was cursing my sister's name for getting pregnant before me. LOL.  No seriously I did!  Kam is doing great and plays SO well with Brady. They are the best of buddies!  A few weeks ago, Kate and her family came for dinner.  As they were leaving, Kam leaned in to whisper something to me.  (Kate had just told her something to tell me) I waited for her to remember what she was told and repeat it to me.   Soon she squeaked out, "Mommy is growing me a baby in her belly."

YAY!!! I was so excited for them!  She is currently 22ish weeks pregnant.  They found out they are having another girl!  Kam is SO excited to be a big sister. (I'm sure Kohl is excited to be a big brother too)  Please keep my sister and her family in your thoughts and prayers as they are nervous this time through.  She is in good hands and I have faith that they will be blessed with a beautiful, healthy, baby in January!

Chapter 2: Brady the Animal Lover

Brady is just like is me in that he LOVES animals.  Luckily, my parents live on a mini farm and we can go over whenever we want.  They have an array of horses, dogs, cats, and chickens.  Brady has NO fear when facing an animal of any size head on.  The other week when we were over visiting, Brady was petting the horses.  As we drove the golf cart away, he began rubbing his eyes.  Next thing you know his left eye swelled up with hives and began to water.   I took him to the doctor and by the next morning he was perfectly fine.

A couple weeks later, we went to visit again.  My mom had just adopted 5 new barn kittens.  Brady was so anxious to pick them up and carry them around.  This time, I learned my lesson and brought plenty of wipes for his hands.  He just LOVES animals.  Look at the smile on his face! haha

Chapter 3: Annie and her 5Ks

Annie is a friend that I met while we lived in Cranberry Twp.  She has a little girl named Meredith who is only a few weeks older than Brady.  The two of them became good friends and we saw them often.  Annie and I would do a stroller strength class at our YMCA three times per week, not to mention all the other activities in between.  Annie has been a great friend and has been a wonderful support for me through my pregnancy with Jordan and after during the grief!

Annie was one of the my teammates who ran the Pittsburgh relay back in May.  She continues to update me with her personal goal.   Her goal is to run at least one 5K per month in memory of Jordan!  Each time she wears her Angel shirt that we wore during the relay!  Her most recent 5K took place today. What a great friend!

Thanks Annie for always remembering my little guy!  It means the world to me :)

Soul Searching

After you have been a stay-at-home mom for a couple years, even a couple weeks, you begin to wonder if you should continue your professional career.  In my case, I feel guilt about not financially contributing to the family.  I have been waiting for a job opportunity to fall into my lap and well, one fell and I began pursuing what I thought was a "meant to be job."

I was given the amazing opportunity to interview for any one of 3 elementary positions in the district where we reside.  REGULAR EDUCATION!!  Was this my "out" of special ed?    I took the timing and potential positions as a sign.  This was my break.  A way to begin contributing to the family funds again.  A way to get my foot into the regular, elementary setting.  I landed an informal interview, which ended up going well because they invited me back for a second interview.   I welcomed the second interview, knowing I would have to prepare and teach a 3rd grade language arts lesson to several administrators.

I wasted no time as I began to brainstorm the perfect lesson to teach.  I spent Brady's entire nap-time gathering ideas and creating worksheets to use.  I continued working feverishly that evening to complete the lesson plan and all the components I would need to teach a successful lesson.  As I was preparing, I couldn't help but think whether this was really the right move.  After all, I just started doing some tutoring and independent consulting for a company.   Thoughts began to pour into my already overwhelmed head:
1. School starts next week!!??
2. What will I do with Brady?
3. I am already making some money.
4. What about that beach vacation we were planning next week?
5. What if I get the job and I just can't juggle everything else?
6. I know what a nightmare I can be when I am stressed!  Look Out!!
7. Could I continue to be a good wife and mom AND hold a full-time job?

There were SO many unknowns.  I woke up this morning with my stomach in knots over the lesson and potentially accepting a teaching position.   Is being a teacher really worth it at this point in my life? NO.  So there you have it!  By 8 AM this morning, I was on the phone pulling out of the running.  When I hung up, I felt a sense of relief.   At this time in my life, it just wasn't "meant to be."

Instead, I will continue being a much appreciated stay-at-home mom!  Just check out all the fun things we do together!  I really don't want to miss one second of it!  Life is TOO short!

 He keeps me busier than a classroom full of elementary kids!

 What a good BIG brother he would have been!! Someday!

Giving Big Bird a BIG hug!