Don't we ALL have insecurities? I never really recognized I had insecurities until I began reading, "So Long Insecurity, You've Been a Bad Friend" By Beth Moore. Some people are more aware of their insecurities, mine just never surfaced until reading this book and learning all the different types.
Well, one major insecurity I deal with is fear. Fear of another loss, fear of failing, fear of something terrible happening to my family. I have begun being fearful since the loss of Jordan. There was NO good reason for his death. He was an innocent baby taken way TOO soon! Why? Because of it, I fear for my family's safety at all times. Life is fragile and precious!
I do realize that I cannot live my life in fear. That God has the ultimate say as to what is going to happen. My prayers have gone unheard before when I asked God for a healthy, living baby BUT I continue to pray because I know HE is listening. He may not always give me what I want, but He hears my cries. He knows I am still in pain and I know HE wants me to be happy.
Another insecurity I have is wondering what people think of me. Since I have starting having children and writing on this blog, my life has NOT been perfect by any stretch of the imagination. I am pretty blunt honest on my blog and I hope people appreciate it and don't judge me for my feelings. After all, you have never walked a mile in my moccasins. (Some of you are probably breathing a sigh of relief) Loss is NOT fun. Especially when its a child.
I have worried about people judging me for my ability to bring life into the world. My first was born with hemifacial microsomnia. Meaning that one side of his precious face is visibly smaller in size than the other. This birth defect is nothing more than a lighting strike! It is not genetic, we just happened to be a statistic. Brady is an amazing little boy. At this age, he is not aware that he is different in any way. Developmentally, he is on point. Each day he wakes up and gives me a huge smile and a bear hug! He is such a lover and a gift! I like to say that being normal is BORING! My second effort to bring life into the world failed miserably and I was left with a gaping hole in my heart. This was yet another example of a lighting strike...fetal hemorrhage only happens to one in one million people.
Well people, I have news for you! I don't like to take NO for an answer, especially when it comes to my family. I can tell you, we are not done here. Call me crazy, but we WILL have another child at some point during this crazy road of life. Wish me luck and better statistics!
We all have insecurities even if you are the type that hides them well. This book I am reading in a book/prayer group has been instrumental, being around and talking to other women who are experiencing all different situations in life. One can really learn from the journeys others have taken.
I hope I didn't ramble too much! My emotions are on high with the one year anniversary for Jordan's birth looming.