Tuesday, November 27, 2012

Our Next Steps

Over the past several months, we have talked and prayed about the direction of our family.  What does God want us to do?  He obviously did not want us to have Jordan, for whatever reason.  Would He want us to have another birth child? In the beginning, I thought the answer was to adopt our next child.  I was given a strong sign that adoption should be considered if not chosen.  Over the summer, we began to peruse adoption and all that comes with it.  After attending some informational meetings through 2 different agencies, we started to question if this was truly the right path for US.  We knew that we wanted to do newborn, domestic adoption, but with that comes open adoption meaning that we would have to keep contacts with the birthparents.  We felt uneasy with open adoption and what that could entail.   That being said, we put our decision to proceed on the back burner.

In the meantime, my Thirty-One consulting was lifting off and I was picking up tutoring clients as the school year began.  My evenings were consumed with my fun, little jobs.  We have not discussed adoption since early August mainly because we have been busy being happy just the way things were.

Sometimes when you are busy being happy, things just happen....for a reason.   After my Soul Searching, literally the day after, we found out we were expecting.   With emotions of excitement, shock, and nervousness we now begin another lengthy nine months of pregnancy.  Being pregnant has made me happy.  I have not had any feeling of doubt, but instead hope and faith that this pregnancy WILL end happily.   I am extremely hopeful and confident in my doctors and my prenatal care/plan.  I am already in the 2nd trimester and have already had 3 ultrasounds.  Things are looking good!

Please keep my family and I in your prayers as we continue our journey to obtain our rainbow baby in April. (A baby born after a previous baby death).

What I want this time:
1. Cards congratulating me on the birth of my new child.
2. Smiling, happy visitors at the hospital.
3. A planned c-section.
4. To hear my baby cry when he/she is born.

What I DON'T want:
1. Sympathy Cards.
2. To leave the hospital empty handed.
3. Have to make funeral arrangements.
4. Say goodbye before I say hello.
5. My prayers to go unheard.
6. To grieve the loss of another child.

18 weeks.

Friday, November 16, 2012


When you hear the word "anniversary" you think of something happy.  Normally the celebration of another year of marriage, but what happens when you have to "celebrate" the anniversary of ones death?  How do you celebrate death?

I have been kicking around ideas of ways to honor and remember Jordan on his first birthday, 11/16/12.  1. Do you bake a cake and sing "Happy Birthday" to someone who isn't living?
2. Do you mope around all day waiting for the day to pass?
3. Do you go through the box of memories you have created since the death?
4. Do you donate money to an organization in his honor?

There is no easy answer to this question and there is no right or wrong way of celebrating/remembering someone who has passed.  There is what I came up with this year.

1. I baked cupcakes and decorated them with butterflies.  I shared them with my friday morning prayer group.
2. I asked people to color butterflies in Jordan's honor.  What and awesome response we received!
3. Chad and I went out on a date!  We went to a matinĂ©e movie and to dinner while my parents watched Brady.
4.  We donated money to the Children's Hospital of Pittsburgh in Jordan's name.
5. We release three helium filled balloons to heaven.
6. And yes, we did some moping around too. After all, this is not a happy day for us, but we are making the best of it together.

Thank you for all the prayers, cards, and support you have provided to my family and I over this difficult time.  We are blessed to be surrounded by people who care.  

Happy 1st Birthday to our sweet angel, Jordan!  We love you!