Tuesday, February 28, 2012

Memorial Service

My sister and I are planning a memorial service during the Easter holiday for our angel boys.  I was working on the program today.   I never thought I would have to do such a thing.   My heart became weak and my fingers numb as I tried to think of the words I wanted to write in the program.   How can you possibly put all of your feeling and thoughts into a few sentences about a child you have lost??

My heart is broken and I wonder if it will ever be repaired.   I feel bitter this week.  I read stories, poems, and blogs.  They are all so inspirational and uplifting...how?   How does someone who has lost something so precious have such hope.  Don't get me wrong, I have days where I am nothing but positive about the situation.  Then I have days like today that get the best of me.  Today I am drowning in my sorrow.

Monday, February 27, 2012

They Say There is a Reason

They say there is a reason,
They say that time will heal,
But neither time nor reason,
Will change the way I feel,
For no-one knows the heartache,
That lies behind our smiles,
No-one knows how many times,
We have broken down and cried,
We want to tell you something,
So there won't be any doubt,
You're so wonderful to think of,
But so hard to be without.
~Author Unknown

Sunday, February 26, 2012

Kohl's First Birthday

2/25/12 was my nephew, Kohl's, first birthday.   He was stillborn.   My sister went in for her regularly scheduled c-section on 2/25/11 and a heartbeat could not be detected.  Little did I know what she was feeling or dealing with until I went through a similar situation with Jordan.

I spoke to her on Kohl's birthday.  She seemed to be holding it together.  She was touched by the people who remembered his birthday and sent notes to her that day.   We talk often about our angel boys.  It is bitter sweet having her to confide in.  If you have never lost a child, you will never understand the painful emotions we face day to day.  It doesn't matter how long you were able to spend with your child, the hurt and sting are all the same.

Some people will ignorantly think that b/c we didn't really know our children, our grief is not as hard and our pain is not as deep.  I can tell you that it is.  Our hopes and dreams for our babies were destroyed the minute they died.  We dreamt of their bright futures, what their personalities would be like, what their professions would be, where they would go to school, who they would marry and although we will never see their future, we will always wonder what they would have been like.

Our arms ache and so do our hearts.

We have unending love for our angel boys!

Thursday, February 16, 2012

3 months

Dear Angel Jordan,
      I cant' help but think of what you would look like and be doing at this stage in your life.   I look back at pictures of Brady at three months and reminisce about his days as an infant.  I continue to grieve your loss.   The 16th of each month should be a celebration of your life and all the changes you have made from one month to the next, however, it is more of a celebration of the steps I have made in my grief process.   The 16th is more of a hump for me.  Once I get over it, my emotions are pretty steady until I reach the next hump 30ish days later.
    I miss you each day and wish things would have had a different, more happy outcome. Since I cant change the hands of time, I have to deal with what I was dealt with; a beautiful birth and a premature death.  Either way, I am thankful to have met you and I am proud to be your mother.

Much Love,

Sunday, February 12, 2012


     We just returned from a vacation to Disney World.  It was a much needed getaway.  Brady and I spent two days together swimming and visiting downtown Disney while Chad sat through some business meetings.  Later, the three of us went to Magic Kingdom and Animal Kingdom.  It was Brady's first trip to Florida.   He was a great traveler!
  During our trip,  I couldn't help but notice all of the families with multiple children very close in age and think that should be us!  Although I tried to ignore  my feelings while I was there, they are catching up with me today.  I long to have a baby in my arms and it is during these times, I am thankful that I can pick up my sweet Brady and hold him tight.  Without him, I would be drowning in sorrow.

Wednesday, February 1, 2012

Gifts Through Grief

Monday was my third time going to a support group.  It consists of me and two other ladies.  Because it is through a church,  the facilitator ties in scripture to what we are experiencing.   This past week, they opened my eyes to three gifts.
1.  After my sister lost her second child to an umbilical chord accident, I was extra cautious during my pregnancy with Jordan.  During the pregnancy, I did not get overly excited about baby 2.  I always had a thought in my head that something similar would happen to me.  I did not organize a nursery,  I did not get the double stroller out of its box, and I did not put the infant car seat into the car.   All of which are out of character for me.  I am normally very organized and make sure everything is ready in advance.  Maybe that was God's way of helping me through.  I didn't have to come home to a house full of baby items set up throughout the house.
2.  A few months prior to my delivery, I was at Bunco with some neighborhood ladies.  During our break, one particular lady and I struck up a conversation.  She told me about her family and that they own a funeral home downtown. I had asked her how many children she had and she went on to tell me she has four living children and one in heaven.   She felt comfortable telling me the story about her son and I listened with heart ache.   Knowing her story and her family business, I immediately got in touch with her after the loss of Jordan.  Not only was she a valuable resource about grief, but she and her husband also took care of Jordan at their funeral home at no cost!!   People definitely come into your life for a reason!
3.  The last gift was given to me at the hospital.   It was hard being at the hospital where I delivered and not with Jordan at Children's, but it was a gift in disguise.  I was full of hope for Jordan during the days we spent apart.   I had a strong feeling that he would pull through and we would be taking him home soon.   Because he was alive, yet struggling, I was pushed to stay positive.   Even though he did not make it long enough for me to see him alive, I truly believe that he kept fighting long enough for me to be discharged.  Had he passed during my stay at the hospital, I probably would have been more of a wreck! Being in the maternity ward with a bunch of new moms and new babies is totally different when you are a new mom without a new baby!