Tuesday, May 15, 2012

6 Months Ago

I really cannot believe my sweet angel would have been 6 months already!   I seem to feel his presence everywhere and continually see things that remind me of him.  Just the other day a beautiful yellow and black butterfly crossed my path.  Butterflies seem to be EVERYWHERE!   They are a huge Spring/Summer symbol that are constantly arising.   Then there was this one below that seemed to meet me at the door on my way down the stairs one morning.  It lingered around the door frame for a long time. Long enough for me to take several pictures from both inside and outside of the house. 

In just a few days, our family is relocating back to the area we are originally from.  We will be MUCH closer to family and long-time friends.  The whole move is bittersweet.  We will be leaving behind great friends, but moving back to where we call "home."   

We are taking the dogwood tree that was bought for us by our neighbors, in memory of Jordan.   I thank GOD that we decided to have Jordan cremated.  I could not imagine having to "leave" him again.  I feel as though I am writing a bunch of thoughts that don't flow very well, it is probably the stress of the move.  

So I will leave this post by saying: Happy 6 months Jordan!  I still think about you constantly and wonder how my life would be going if you were here with me in body instead of spirit.  I miss you each day and still do not understand why this had to happen.  

“As you do not know the path of the wind, or how the body is formed in a mother’s womb, so you cannot understand the work of God, the Maker of all things.” 
-Ecclesiastes 11:5

Wednesday, May 9, 2012

My "girlfriends" in this journey

A BIG thank you to my "girlfriends" for helping me through this very difficult time!    

I make quotes around girlfriends b/c our wonderful facilitator refers to all the women out there suffering from the loss of a child, girlfriends.  We are NOT alone is this journey even when we feel like we are.  Thank you for touching my life and supporting me through my grief!  

Tuesday, May 8, 2012

Running for Jordan

Six weeks after Jordan had passed away, I made my way back to the gym to begin working out again.  I was approached by one of the fitness instructors to consider running the relay in the Pittsburgh Marathon. It wasn't long before I committed and gathered a team of 5 women.   Two of the women were my neighbors, Toni and Brooke. Another was a woman I met doing stroller strength, Annie.  The last team member was Pam, a random woman who got stuck with us.  I stepped up to be team captain and we were registered just after the new year.

I was never much of a runner.  I always got shin splints when I would run.  The last time I ran a significant distance was in High school, during field hockey season.  I was nervous to begin the training.  I established a running schedule and really stuck to it, increasing my distance each week.   I ended up running the longest leg of the relay, with the most hills.  I had been training at a 10 min mile without inclines.

In the midst of training, I decided to buy a custom t-shirt to wear on race day.  The shirt was made to honor Jordan.  I was excited to get it in the mail and immediately showed it to Toni, one of my teammates.  She was offended I didn't ask her if she wanted one, SO of course I ordered one for her and asked the other team members if they also would want one.  I was excited that the other members also wanted to wear the t-shirt.   What a great way to honor my sweet angel!

Race day came on May 6, 2012.  With t-shirts on, we assembled ourselves at our exchange locations.  I was excited and nervous to run my leg.   My exchange came as Annie exchanged with me, about one hour and 30 minutes into the race.  I began my leg, which started at mile 9.  I began strong with fresh legs, passing many others right out of the gate.  I knew my 2 mile incline was approaching and wanted to save my energy.  I tried to get a consistent stride, but felt the need for speed.  Ahead, I saw the hill.  Half way up the hill, when I felt like walking, a few remarkable things happened.

1. A Christian song began playing on my ipod.  The only word I heard loud and clear in the song was angel.  The song made me push harder, knowing that I was running this race for my very own angel.

2.  Running up the hill, I dropped my head to watch the ground under my feet.  As I did, I saw a penny- heads up.  Why is this significant?  Just one week earlier, Toni told me that pennies are things angels throw down from heaven.
I found a penny today
Just laying on the ground.
But it's not just a penny
This little coin I've found.

Found pennies come from heaven
that's what my Friend told me.
He said Angels tossed them down
Oh, how I loved that story!

He said when an Angel misses you
They toss a penny down,
sometimes just to cheer you up
To make a smile out of your frown.

So don't pass by that penny
When you're feeling blue.
It may be a penny from heaven
That an Angel's tossed to you.

3.  As I saw the penny, I looked up to the sky as if to say "thank you" for showing me that you are with me.  Looking ahead again, my eyes immediately found a sign that said adoption on it. I laughed to myself and thought how ironic it was for all three of these things to happen to me within a 30 second time frame as I was climbing the hill.

As I laughed to myself, I also choked back tears. Literally choked!  Running and crying are not a good mix.  I composed myself to get through my leg.  As I continued running the remainder of my leg, several young children lined the streets, hands out to slap the runner's hands.  I took the opportunity to slap each hand that was outreached.   I will never get to slap Jordan's hand in a high-five, so I felt the need to do it to those who were there routing me on.  And although I know Jordan was right beside me,  helping to pull me through to the next exchange,  I will never have the opportunity to touch him again.  (Ouch! Writing that hurt! )

I must have had a pair of my own wings that day...I completed my 6.4 mile leg in 53 minutes.   That is a lot faster than the 10 min mile I have been training for. AND I had a 2 mile incline.  (Toot, toot) It is not often I toot my own horn.  I was proud of myself for sticking to my goal and accomplishing something I never thought I would do.

I did this for Jordan, but I also did it for myself and in the process lost all that baby weight- another accomplishment!

The shirts say: I have an angel