Tuesday, January 24, 2012


I have been attending a weekly support group at a local community church.  My "sister" and facilitator of the support group will often refer to the grieving process as a Cyclone or a funnel cloud.  She uses this as a metaphor to describe how one may feel one day as opposed to another.  One day, you may feel ease and comfort and the next day, you may experience thoughts and feeling of despair and sadness.  The cyclical  poisons come and go with each passing day.

Since the autopsy results, I have felt a sense of relief and closure.   Instead of the endless thoughts  about Jordan and his passing, I am now able to fully focus on Brady.   This doesn't mean that Jordan is no longer thought of, he just isn't on the forefront of my mind.   It was exhausting, thinking of the events that took place between 11/16 and 11/18.  I believe that the autopsy results were God's way of closing the door.  It was his "gift" to us.  Some parents do not get results like we received.  We were blessed to be in a location where the NICU doctors were well versed in caring for newborns.   Unfortunately, our little and could not be saved.   Like the cyclone, I am currently having feelings of peace and hope.  We'll see what tomorrow brings.

There is not a day that goes by that I wish things would have been different with the birth of our son, but there is nothing I could have done then or now.   He is in God's care now, the best care out there.

Thursday, January 19, 2012

autopsy results

     I woke up this morning feeling nauseous about the days events. Today we were meeting with the doctor who took care of Jordan at Children's Hospital and the other doctor who conducted his autopsy.  I woke before my alarm clock was set to go off.  My mind immediately went to Jordan and the events that occurred during the length of his short life.  I wondered whether the autopsy would reveal something we didn't already know.
    My biggest fear of walking down the hall of the NICU was dismissed when we were lead to a conference room in a different wing/ floor of the hospital.  I just couldn't imagine having to pass the room Jordan was once in.   We sat with the doctors as they first answered the list of questions we had about Jordan's health.   They were honest and sincere as they delivered the news.  Summary:  Because of the hemorrhage Jordan sustained while in utero, he had lost a lot of blood which in turn put his body into shock.  His organs were suffering b/c of the lack of blood and oxygen.  The report revealed that his organs slowly shut down as the cells were dying.  He had very little brain activity and had his other organs recovered, his life here would not have been one I would have wanted for him.  
    One "what if" question that I have been running through in my head is: What if I had delivered at a hospital with a NICU?  Would he have had a better chance?  The answer they gave me today was no.  Even if I had delivered another location with a NICU, they would have had to transport him to Children's anyway.   Another "what if" question I struggle with is: What if I would have gotten to the hospital sooner.  The answer was, he would have had the same outcome.  They do not know when the abruption happened and his organs were already loosing blood and oxygen.
    We now have a little bit of closure to the situation.  Although this is not the anticipated outcome we wanted of a healthy, living baby; I am glad that he didn't have to suffer long before God took him from us and put him in a better place.  I still can't believe this has even happened. It all seems so surreal.  Why??
    After reading other blogs of families in the same boat, I began to regret my decision about opting out of having a photographer take pictures of Jordan after he had passed.  Instead, we wanted to remember him while he was alive.  Today, the doctors said they had taken a picture of Jordan before the autopsy and asked if I wanted it.  Of course I did and I was grateful that they did that for us.  In the moment, you are so overcome with emotions that you don't have time to think clearly about things like that.  
     It has been another emotional day as we sort through our emotions and deal with such a terrible loss.  We will continue to remember and honor Jordan and hope for better days.  For now, we are taking it one day at a time.
While we were at out appointment, Brady spent time with his girlfriend, Meredith.  They made cookies in the shape of a butterfly and decorated them with icing and sprinkles!  They were delicious.

Tuesday, January 17, 2012


Big brother Brady is coloring a butterfly in memory of Jordan's 2nd month.  

Monday, January 16, 2012

Butterfly side note:

Brady has a beautiful girlfriend at his young age of 18 months.  Her name is Meredith.  She is only 2 weeks older than Brady.  Before Jordan was expected to arrive, I made sure to have all of my Christmas gifts bought and wrapped.  Among the gifts was one for Meredith.   The week before Christmas, Meredith and Brady got together to exchange gifts.  By that point, I had forgot what I even bought for Meredith.  She opened the box and inside was an outfit.  The shirt was green with a large butterfly on the front.  It was accompanied by a pair of pants with a butterfly print.  I smiled to myself as she took out the clothing.  Not knowing my connection to butterflies, Meredith's mother, Annie, dressed her in the outfit be bought for her today. (1/16/12)  Jordan's 2 month birthday.  Ironic?

2 Months Ago

     Two months have past since Jordan was born.  I still think about him almost every hour of every day.  The wound is still so fresh and at times I still cannot believe this all happened.  Why us?  We are good people!  I battle with thoughts of what he would be doing at this stage in life and how he and Brady would be interacting.  Brady would have been a wonderful big brother. 
      There are some things that have been helpful in my time of loss.  One thing is the overwhelming amount of support from friends and family.  In the beginning, we received so many cards, flowers, meals, phone calls, and gifts.  Another thing that has been helpful for me is online support groups and blogs of mothers who have also lost children.  For me, it is comforting to know that I am not alone in this.  Several women who I don't even know have reached out to me to lend support.  One particular woman sent me a book, "I WIll Carry You," which I highly recommend.  It was a fantastic book about the power of faith in a time of loss.  Lastly, talking about my experience to friends and in support groups has also been helpful to me.  In fact, I find disappointment in the people who know my situation, but pass me by and don't ask how I am doing or about Jordan.  They probably want to protect me or themselves.  The truth is, I enjoy talking about it.  Without talk I feel as though Jordan is being forgotten and that is the last thing I want to happen. 
     After Jordan passed away, I began seeing butterflies.  Some say it was a sign that Jordan is okay.  I believe it.  My first sign came in the way of birthday cards.  I celebrated my 30th birthday on 12/4/11.  On most of the cards, butterflies appeared.  Also for my birthday, I received jewelry from both my grandmother and 2 best girlfriends.  Each piece of jewelry I got was either a butterfly, or symmetrical- like a butterfly.  Jordan's birthstone is a topaz, meaning earthy or nature.  Again a sign that maybe this butterfly thing was no joke.  Did you know that a butterfly means the resurrection to new, glorious life?  I was sold after hearing that.  Each month, on the 16th, Brady colors a butterfly and we tape it to the sliding glass door.  I actually look forward to watching Brady color it, even though he has no idea the meaning behind it. 
     Each day the pain gets a little easier to deal with.  In the same notion however, I can't imagine it ever going away.   Denial is still a strong emotion that I deal with.  Did this really just happen to us?  Unbelievable!  Our family was supposed to have been complete.  Now it is so broken.  Happy 2 months to my sweet angel boy! We love you so much!

"A thousand words cannot bring you back,
I know because I have tried.
And neither can a million tears,
I know because I have cried."

Sunday, January 15, 2012

About Brady

Brady is my 18 month old ball of joy.  He was born on 7/5/10 after a normal pregnancy and delivery.  We are so blessed to have him in our lives.  It wasn't an easy road to get pregnant the first time, but we were so incredibly lucky to have finally had him.

Currently, he is continually picking up new words.  He is FINALLY saying mommy!!  He has been saying dada for months now.  He surprises me everyday with what he is learning.  Today, Chad told him "No" for throwing something and he put himself in timeout.   He is quite the athlete too.  For an 18 month old, he can throw a mean ball and make a good basket.  He is obsessed with electronics so we have to hind our cell phones and remote controls.

He enjoys going to the gym with me.  I run laps around the gymnasium, while he tries to dribble a regulation size basketball.  He has a few close friends his age that we get together with often.

Little does he know, but he has been our saving grace since the loss of Jordan.  He has helped us heal and pushed us to continue our lives.  He was able to pick up on my sadness when I got home from the hospital.  I seemed distant and would cry often.  When Brady noticed me doing this, he would also get upset.  I have learned to live in the moment with Brady as he keeps me smiling and laughing. I now save the crying for the times he sleeps.  I am thankful for him each day and hold him tighter than ever before.

Saturday, January 14, 2012

My 6 lb 14 oz baby boy, Jordan on his birthday- 11/16/11. Taken moments after delivery.

A little history

I am a wife  to a wonderful husband and mother of two boys.  My oldest son, Brady, is 18 months old and my youngest son, Jordan, would have been 2 months old.  Brady lives with my husband and I and Jordan grew his wings and lives in heaven.

I felt compelled to start a blog about the grief stricken journey of loosing a child.  We live four hours away from our closest family member and thought this would be a great way to stay connected.

The past couple of months have changed my life.  Nobody wants to bury a child and I never thought I would have had to.  I always thought, that won't happen to me.  Then reality hit on November 16th, 2011.  Our beautiful son Jordan was born, but not the way I had hoped and prayed for.  Instead, Jordan was a victim of a placenta abruption and was taken by emergency c-section.  He was revived at birth to face 2 days of pain and suffering.  His short life ended on November 18, 2011 after undergoing several blood transfusions while living on metabolic life support.  The end result was that he was unable to maintain a blood pressure.

The hospital in which I delivered did not have a NICU.  Jordan was flown to Children's hospital.  We were in two separate locations. My husband, Chad, decided he would follow Jordan because we were uncertain how long he would survive.   Recovering from a c-section is no easy act, but I was released from my hospital at 8:00 AM on November 18th.  On my way to Children's I got the phone call no parents ever wants to receive!  Jordan had lost his fight.

When I arrived to the NICU, my husband was holding our son as he sobbed.   He was wrapped in a fleece blanket. It was the first time I saw his perfect face.  He looked at peace.  I knew his short time here with us was spent in pain.  He had so many machines helping to keep him alive.  He was now free of the needles and tubes.  We each took turns holding his sweet body and talking to him as though he could hear what we were saying.  We spend a couple of hours taking in his beauty.

The hardest part of that day was leaving his sweet body behind as we left his room.  I knew at that moment I would not see him again during this life.  It is hard to describe the feelings I felt that day.  I had many emotions: anger, guilt, severe sadness, disappointment, disbelief, and shock.

Keeping my faith has been hard, but important.  I know that one day we will be reunited and we will spend eternal life together.