Sunday, November 16, 2014

Three Years

It seems that once October hits, I get into a very blah kind of mood, knowing that November is approaching.  My heart becomes heavy and I find myself in deep thought about the events that unfolded November 16th through the 18th.  I can't seem to escape the "What ifs" and it haunts me to think that if I could have done a few things differently, maybe, just maybe Jordan would be with us today.  Unfortunately, that was not God's will.

Along this very fragile journey of infant loss, I have learned a few things.

1.  There are so many people going through the same kind of loss and suffering with the same emotions that I am.  One in four women will experience pregnancy or infant loss!!  That number is huge and still the topic seems to be hush, hush.  Nobody wants to talk about it.  Luckily, I have found people and support groups who did want to talk about it and that was tremendously helpful. 

2. I will NEVER forget. The days certainly get easier and easier as time goes on, but I will never forget Jordan and what happened to my sweet boy.  I think about him at least once a day, whether it's for a few seconds or a few minutes.  It might even be as I am washing dishes and peer out the window at his memorial stone and tree. 

3. Everyone is suffering from something.  I try not to judge people.  Everyone has something they are going through.  We are all jaded by our past and/or our present.  If only we could write it across our foreheads, I really think we would be more compassionate towards one another. 

4. Everyone grieves differently. For me, writing and attending support groups was easy for me.  Talking to my husband however, was very difficult.  Every time I talk to Chad about Jordan, I well up with tears even to this day.  I thinks its because we share such a deep understand of his loss with one another.   Having a strong faith-base was also extremely helpful in dealing with loss.  At first I blamed God, but soon realized His plan was not to make me suffer, but to make me stronger.  In addition to my faith and my husband, our family and friends were incredibly supportive in letting us know we were loved.  

Three Years Ago:
The loss of a child is like a pain you'll never know unless you have experienced it.   In the beginning, I spent plenty of days crying, not wanting to get out of bed, wandering why the world around me was still spinning and continuing on like nothing happened while my little boy had just been taken from me!  How was I suppose to carry on?  As the days, months and years have passed, I can only explain the pain as frightening.  Nothing I would ever want to experience again. The most frightening thing about it all was not being able to comprehend the fact that a baby had died.  Babies are not suppose to die, babies are just beginning their life. Giving birth and then leaving Jordan at heavens gates was nauseating! Going home empty handed was heart-breaking! Having to deal with all the post-pregnancy issues such as milk production, body image, and c-section recovery without the reward of a baby was even more painful than one could possibly imagine.  Each day I looked in the mirror, I was reminded of the baby I no longer had.  Mirrors were my worst enemy.

My one saving grace during the whole thing was Brady!  He kept me going.  I had to get out of bed for him each day.  I had to wipe my tears dry so he wouldn't see me suffering.  Although I lost one child, I was still Brady's mom too!  I may have come home empty handed the second time, but I had a beautiful smiling face waiting for me when I did.

As I look in the mirror today, I am proud of the person I have become and although the post-pregnancy body is gone, I am always reminded of the three boys I carried for 8 1/2 long months. Today, I praise God for the two earthly children I have been so blessed to raise. I am a stronger, more compassionate person because of Jordan and I am thankful for that.   As time passes, my "wounds" become less noticeable and I am better able to cope with life's difficulties.  To help me, Brady and Collin keep my mind busy with their outgoing personalities and and their unwillingness to sit.  Brady is now 4 1/2 and Collin is 20 months! 


Thank you to my readers for following this bumpy road of mine since 2011.  I am forever grateful for your loyalty and sincere comments along the way.  The kind words have kept me going in a positive direction and I truly appreciate every blurb.

Today, we will spend the day as a family. Brady and Collin are excited to send a few balloons to heaven.  I am sure we'll sing Jordan happy birthday too.