Monday, June 18, 2012

Recalling THAT day

On what would have been Jordan's 7 month birthday, I called to mind the events and emotions that took place the day he was born and the day he left me behind.  Why? Because a family we know is now going through a similar situation.  I know what they are going through, what they are thinking, and how they are feeling. Here are some thoughts about those two days that I have not shared before:

1. The agony of waking up from an emergency c-section, knowing your newborn is in bad shape.
2.  The loneliness I felt when I held Jordan's body in my arms.
3. Wishing the world would just stop b/c of my own tragedy.
4.  How could I possibly go on living w/o the son that was supposed to join our family?
5.  1% chance?? Why me?
6.  I found out on April 1st that I was expecting Jordan...April fools day.  What a sick joke!
7.  Jordan was supposed to complete our family, instead he left us feeling so broken.

Looking back at those days in November, I can remember the RAW emotions that I felt.  Seven months later, my emotions have definitely subsided.  I have stopped questioning what happened b/c there is nothing I can do to change it.  I no longer think of his death, instead I tend to think about the future and how I plan to continue to honor and remember Jordan through my family.

As I have written before, the butterfly has a great significance to me since the death of Jordan.   Butterflies are symmetrical and many things about Jordan are too:

1.  He was born on a Wednesday, the MIDDLE of the week. A day with equal days before it and after it.
2.  He was born on the 16th of November.  The exact MIDDLE of the month, having the same number of days before it and after it.
3. One of the first people to each out to me about her own story of child loss was Hannah, a name that is symmetrical.  Spelled the same way forwards and backwards.

As always, wishing Jordan a happy 7 month birthday!

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