I am a facebook junkie. I don't know why. It is super addicting. I will check my news feed several times per day. I enjoy knowing what people are up to. Facebook, however, it a place I feel that people like to post only their most happy events. (e.g., weddings, babies, engagements, new homes, birthdays, vacations, etc...) People usually will not post negative, real life information. Therefore, facebook makes people's lives seem perfect and happy.
Since the loss of Jordan, I cannot help but compare myself to all those ladies having babies. Having their first, second, or third child. I often wonder why they get to be so lucky. Why was I the one who didn't get to meet her baby? A few ladies had babies around the same time I had Jordan. It is hard seeing pictures of these babies, wondering what Jordan would look like and be doing at this stage in his life. I want to be happy for the people having babies and I do congratulate them, but secretly my heart is breaking because of what I am missing. Lately, I suffer from self-pity. Poor me! My family should have been complete. Two kids and done. November 16th sure put a different perspective on what our family will look like. I will forever want Jordan to be our missing link. I still feel so incomplete without him and hope that our family will grow by at least one more at some point.
People that I have met after the loss of Jordan, will ask how many children I have. I want to say 2 because that is the truth, but I don't want to have to explain myself OR make them feel uncomfortable. I really wanted my kids to be close in age. Brady and Jordan would have been 16 months apart... best buddies! I had it all figured out prior to 11/16/11. Now what? I don't know if my body can physically handle another pregnancy. Mentally and emotionally, I would be a mess. It would be 9 months of hell, hoping and praying for a good/ healthy outcome. Life is a gamble and until something this traumatic happens to you, you just wont understand all the emotions that go along with it.
Facebook is not healthy for me. I have thought about deleting my account, but just can't seem to do it. I started a page for Jordan that I want to keep going. I want to know what people are doing and I want to use it to keep in touch. Maybe I will just limit my time....checking it only a few times per week. Facebook just seems to be a constant reminder of what I don't have and it makes me envious of what other people are so blessed with.
For now, I will keep my account open and hope that I can regulate my addiction. Besides these thoughts, I really have been doing well. We are staring to discuss options for our family and how we might go about having more children. Please pray for us, that we will be able to complete our family in some way.