Monday, January 16, 2012

2 Months Ago

     Two months have past since Jordan was born.  I still think about him almost every hour of every day.  The wound is still so fresh and at times I still cannot believe this all happened.  Why us?  We are good people!  I battle with thoughts of what he would be doing at this stage in life and how he and Brady would be interacting.  Brady would have been a wonderful big brother. 
      There are some things that have been helpful in my time of loss.  One thing is the overwhelming amount of support from friends and family.  In the beginning, we received so many cards, flowers, meals, phone calls, and gifts.  Another thing that has been helpful for me is online support groups and blogs of mothers who have also lost children.  For me, it is comforting to know that I am not alone in this.  Several women who I don't even know have reached out to me to lend support.  One particular woman sent me a book, "I WIll Carry You," which I highly recommend.  It was a fantastic book about the power of faith in a time of loss.  Lastly, talking about my experience to friends and in support groups has also been helpful to me.  In fact, I find disappointment in the people who know my situation, but pass me by and don't ask how I am doing or about Jordan.  They probably want to protect me or themselves.  The truth is, I enjoy talking about it.  Without talk I feel as though Jordan is being forgotten and that is the last thing I want to happen. 
     After Jordan passed away, I began seeing butterflies.  Some say it was a sign that Jordan is okay.  I believe it.  My first sign came in the way of birthday cards.  I celebrated my 30th birthday on 12/4/11.  On most of the cards, butterflies appeared.  Also for my birthday, I received jewelry from both my grandmother and 2 best girlfriends.  Each piece of jewelry I got was either a butterfly, or symmetrical- like a butterfly.  Jordan's birthstone is a topaz, meaning earthy or nature.  Again a sign that maybe this butterfly thing was no joke.  Did you know that a butterfly means the resurrection to new, glorious life?  I was sold after hearing that.  Each month, on the 16th, Brady colors a butterfly and we tape it to the sliding glass door.  I actually look forward to watching Brady color it, even though he has no idea the meaning behind it. 
     Each day the pain gets a little easier to deal with.  In the same notion however, I can't imagine it ever going away.   Denial is still a strong emotion that I deal with.  Did this really just happen to us?  Unbelievable!  Our family was supposed to have been complete.  Now it is so broken.  Happy 2 months to my sweet angel boy! We love you so much!

"A thousand words cannot bring you back,
I know because I have tried.
And neither can a million tears,
I know because I have cried."

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