A little history

I am a wife  to a wonderful husband and mother of two boys.  My oldest son, Brady, is 18 months old and my youngest son, Jordan, would have been 2 months old.  Brady lives with my husband and I and Jordan grew his wings and lives in heaven.

I felt compelled to start a blog about the grief stricken journey of loosing a child.  We live four hours away from our closest family member and thought this would be a great way to stay connected.

The past couple of months have changed my life.  Nobody wants to bury a child and I never thought I would have had to.  I always thought, that won't happen to me.  Then reality hit on November 16th, 2011.  Our beautiful son Jordan was born, but not the way I had hoped and prayed for.  Instead, Jordan was a victim of a placenta abruption and was taken by emergency c-section.  He was revived at birth to face 2 days of pain and suffering.  His short life ended on November 18, 2011 after undergoing several blood transfusions while living on metabolic life support.  The end result was that he was unable to maintain a blood pressure.

The hospital in which I delivered did not have a NICU.  Jordan was flown to Children's hospital.  We were in two separate locations. My husband, Chad, decided he would follow Jordan because we were uncertain how long he would survive.   Recovering from a c-section is no easy act, but I was released from my hospital at 8:00 AM on November 18th.  On my way to Children's I got the phone call no parents ever wants to receive!  Jordan had lost his fight.

When I arrived to the NICU, my husband was holding our son as he sobbed.   He was wrapped in a fleece blanket. It was the first time I saw his perfect face.  He looked at peace.  I knew his short time here with us was spent in pain.  He had so many machines helping to keep him alive.  He was now free of the needles and tubes.  We each took turns holding his sweet body and talking to him as though he could hear what we were saying.  We spend a couple of hours taking in his beauty.

The hardest part of that day was leaving his sweet body behind as we left his room.  I knew at that moment I would not see him again during this life.  It is hard to describe the feelings I felt that day.  I had many emotions: anger, guilt, severe sadness, disappointment, disbelief, and shock.

Keeping my faith has been hard, but important.  I know that one day we will be reunited and we will spend eternal life together.