I woke up this morning feeling nauseous about the days events. Today we were meeting with the doctor who took care of Jordan at Children's Hospital and the other doctor who conducted his autopsy. I woke before my alarm clock was set to go off. My mind immediately went to Jordan and the events that occurred during the length of his short life. I wondered whether the autopsy would reveal something we didn't already know.
My biggest fear of walking down the hall of the NICU was dismissed when we were lead to a conference room in a different wing/ floor of the hospital. I just couldn't imagine having to pass the room Jordan was once in. We sat with the doctors as they first answered the list of questions we had about Jordan's health. They were honest and sincere as they delivered the news. Summary: Because of the hemorrhage Jordan sustained while in utero, he had lost a lot of blood which in turn put his body into shock. His organs were suffering b/c of the lack of blood and oxygen. The report revealed that his organs slowly shut down as the cells were dying. He had very little brain activity and had his other organs recovered, his life here would not have been one I would have wanted for him.
One "what if" question that I have been running through in my head is: What if I had delivered at a hospital with a NICU? Would he have had a better chance? The answer they gave me today was no. Even if I had delivered another location with a NICU, they would have had to transport him to Children's anyway. Another "what if" question I struggle with is: What if I would have gotten to the hospital sooner. The answer was, he would have had the same outcome. They do not know when the abruption happened and his organs were already loosing blood and oxygen.
We now have a little bit of closure to the situation. Although this is not the anticipated outcome we wanted of a healthy, living baby; I am glad that he didn't have to suffer long before God took him from us and put him in a better place. I still can't believe this has even happened. It all seems so surreal. Why??
After reading other blogs of families in the same boat, I began to regret my decision about opting out of having a photographer take pictures of Jordan after he had passed. Instead, we wanted to remember him while he was alive. Today, the doctors said they had taken a picture of Jordan before the autopsy and asked if I wanted it. Of course I did and I was grateful that they did that for us. In the moment, you are so overcome with emotions that you don't have time to think clearly about things like that.
It has been another emotional day as we sort through our emotions and deal with such a terrible loss. We will continue to remember and honor Jordan and hope for better days. For now, we are taking it one day at a time.