I have been attending a weekly support group at a local community church. My "sister" and facilitator of the support group will often refer to the grieving process as a Cyclone or a funnel cloud. She uses this as a metaphor to describe how one may feel one day as opposed to another. One day, you may feel ease and comfort and the next day, you may experience thoughts and feeling of despair and sadness. The cyclical poisons come and go with each passing day.
Since the autopsy results, I have felt a sense of relief and closure. Instead of the endless thoughts about Jordan and his passing, I am now able to fully focus on Brady. This doesn't mean that Jordan is no longer thought of, he just isn't on the forefront of my mind. It was exhausting, thinking of the events that took place between 11/16 and 11/18. I believe that the autopsy results were God's way of closing the door. It was his "gift" to us. Some parents do not get results like we received. We were blessed to be in a location where the NICU doctors were well versed in caring for newborns. Unfortunately, our little and could not be saved. Like the cyclone, I am currently having feelings of peace and hope. We'll see what tomorrow brings.
There is not a day that goes by that I wish things would have been different with the birth of our son, but there is nothing I could have done then or now. He is in God's care now, the best care out there.